Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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