Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
