i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize