he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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