And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
