Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
