Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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