I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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