Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize