This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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