it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
