I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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