The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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