so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Randomize
