I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
