Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
