I can't breathe out the right side of my face
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just found a bag of teeth...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
