I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just forgot I was standing up.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
