I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
