Only a mothe r could love this liver
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Congratulations! We have a period
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