i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
