I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
so much tequila, so little girl.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
