don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
