just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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