Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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