i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
