1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Where is the hickey?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
