he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
