you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
