I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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