I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
