Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
