I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You may now shotgun with the bride
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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