i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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