I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
