And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
