I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
