I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
