I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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