I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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