Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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