you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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