i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
