Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
