I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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