does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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