I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
