i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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