I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
