I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
