My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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