I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
from now on my penis is your penis
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize