i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
