Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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