my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
