i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
