he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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