pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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